Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

Dear America,

I want to thank you. Over the last two weeks, I listened to you and, in the process, I found my own voice. That voice told me something that really shocked me: I’m running for President against a black person. As I campaign between now and Super Tuesday, I am going to try and illuminate the differences between myself and Senator Obama, the main difference being that I’m white, and he is apparently very very black. There are three main points I want to make:

1. My friend Andrew Cuomo, the Attorney General of New York and a campaign surrogate of mine, commented that candidates can’t “shuck and jive” their way to the nomination. The point Andrew was trying to make, which I would like to reiterate, is that Barack Obama is black. He’s BLAAACK! You know. Black people. Jive. Black. Got that? Black. Cool.

2. Yesterday in South Carolina I stood onstage next to another supporter of mine, BET founder Bob Johnson. He’s black too. Bob made the astute observation that Bill and I have been “deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood – and I won’t say what he was doing, but he said it in the book.” What Bob was trying to tell you in his strange, black way is that Barack Obama is a drug addict, like most black people. Up the nose. Black. Drugs. Nose. Now I know Bob Johnson said today that he wasn’t referring to drugs — he says that “something in the neighborhood” referred to community organizing — but I want to make sure you remember that Barack equals drugs, and that if you take out the “ar” in Barack, then add an “L,” you get black.

3. Bob raised another interesting point about Senator Obama and his raging drug habit:

“For a guy who says, ‘I want to be reasonable, likable, Sidney Poitier ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.’ And I’m thinking, I’m thinking to myself, this ain’t a movie, Sidney. This is real life.”

Talk about fired up and ready to go! Bob was saying something important there. As my campaign surrogate, at my event, he wanted to make sure you knew that even though Senator Obama has said he hopes people learn from his youthful indiscretions, he is still a bad, bad, drug person and he will probably give blow to your kids.

Will I apologize or disavow these comments? Hill no! (That’s a pun. I use it a lot.) What Bill said today — that Bob’s comments were reasonable, and that he wasn’t “politicizing” race by bringing up Sidney Poitier or Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner — is totally true.

Anyway, there is more. I said some stuff about Martin Luther King also and today this group of unionized black security guards (black security guards what? I know!) booed me. But I don’t want to confuse things here. Too many have been invisible for too long. Well, Barack Obama isn’t invisible anymore. He’s black. And I wanted you to know that.

thank you, and God bless,

Hillary Clinton

[UPDATE: Seriously, there is some fucked up electioneering afoot. Eugene Robinson wrote a great piece today tracing the Clinton race card back to Sister Souljah; my colleague (and real actual live journalist) Ari Berman at The Nation wrote up the shady-ways the Clinton campaign is obscuring her own record on a real issue -- the war. The money shot: "It's fascinating to see Hillary Clinton attack Barack Obama for things that she herself voted for, like funding for the war in Iraq." Be afraid. Or outraged. Don't be black though -- I heard that's trouble]

About The Author - Ben Wyskida is a writer, activist, conscientious hedonist and political communications strategist living in Brooklyn. - Visit Ben's site.