Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

I made a donation to the ASPCA today and I hate myself for it. I didn’t do it for adorable Freedom or any of the other needy little creatures of this earth. I did it for the swag. God I love charity swag.

I love my dog. He wears sweaters and sometimes he wears a coat that my mother gave him and that makes him look like Sanford Meisner. He eats Wellness. I want to protect him and his kind from cruelty and neglect, just like the ASPCA implores in their fund-raising letters. That’s not why I donated. I’ve had dogs most of my life and never felt the need to support the ASPCA. But my return address labels suck. They’re from a 2005 March of Dimes fund-raising campaign and they look like something done in needlepoint by my my fascist second grade teacher. Snow covered mailboxes with little American flags and pumpkins and blue jays and robins all over them. My dog already wears sweaters and fashionable coats. I can’t afford to send these labels out to people also. They’ll get the wrong idea about me. It should be noted that I have no idea what the March of Dimes does. I don’t care. I need new labels.

A few years ago the Southern Poverty Law Center sent me beautiful address labels after I donated some money. They were elegant and simple and bore a clear message: Teach Tolerance. I liked the message. I liked the labels. Then Amnesty International sent me some truly elegant labels. I’ve never been sure how I feel about letter writing in the face of human rights abuses, but the logo of the candle and the barbed wire looked really good on the back of my all-natural recycled paper thank-you notes. And I liked what these labels said about me to everyone who opened my letters. I was tolerant and cared about political prisoners. I ran out of both those labels and found myself longing for the simple elegance of a message I didn’t oppose. For two years I’ve been using these hideous March of Dimes labels The snowy mailboxes mock the slick barbed wire candle theme I used to project. But I had hundreds of them and organizations I support kept sending me calendars or wall magnets or plain old letters with pre-paid postage asking for more money. What would I use for return address label if I were to donate? They went in the trash.

When my boyfriend got these amazing ASPCA labels in the mail, I knew I had to have them. Little cats and dogs, their heads cocked in wonder, staring out next to his name and address. Much to my disappointment, the ASPCA FAQ knew what I wanted and wouldn’t give them to me. They offered an “equally adorable alternative” that just wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I could stick to my March of Dimes winter theme and hope the accounts payable department at my credit card company didn’t think I had a fetish for heart-warming Americana. Or I could see what would happen if I became a paying customer supporter of the ASPCA. So, without a thought for wounded little Humphrey, I donated to the ASPCA. If it helps a cause, I guess that’s good.

Cause Related Marketing has become big business. (Product) Red sells millions of dollars worth of t-shirts and cell phones. People want their shopping to reflect their social conscience more than ever. If actual philanthropy isn’t going to be replaced by pseudo-philanthropic shopping, the onus is on the charities to reach out and encourage direct donations more effectively. I propose the ASPCA make a start by sending me those damn address labels. My dog might know I’m a phony, but the accountant in Bangalore who opens my check to American Express might just fall in love with the little puppy starting back at him, and by extension, might just fall in love with me.

[EDITORS NOTE: The dog pictured is not Sandy's dog. It's Mr. Winkle. We used to think Mr. Winkle was creepy; now we think he's so cute we die a little inside just looking at him]

About The Author - I was a librarian and now I write books. I used to write about children and now I am writing about Jews. I'm also working on an NGO that helps connect children to each other across cultural, geographic, political, religious, and military divides. - Visit Charles's site.