Holy shit! Tuesday election roundup.
**John McCain won Florida. This is bad because he apparently hates gay people; he said that it would be “fine with me” to be in Iraq 100 years; he assures us “There will be other wars” (phew! says the defense contracting industry); also he’s now 822 years old.
** Hillary Clinton won Florida (sort of) and is totes getting some sympathy because Barack was mean to her at the State of the Union. This is bad because she kind of thinks that the “surge” is working in Iraq. Also, as droned on about endlessly but I still think its important, her campaign is run by a coterie of consultants and strategists who are completely untethered to any core progressive ideology or even to Democrats. They’ll make money anywhere, from anyone.
** John Edwards is dropping out. His sinewy torso and dedication to fighting poverty will be missed. Barack, promise him something! Attorney General? Poverty Czar? (We’re pro-czar at Pinko.) Something?
** Rudy Giuliani is dropping out. This is sad because his television commericals about 9-11 and muslim terrorists were so over the top we will miss them. It’s fine though because he’s insane.
** Ralph Nader is dropping in. This is sad because, like McCain, he was born in the 1600’s. Also, are we doing this again? Really? I voted for him twice, in 1996 before it was cool and in 2000 when it was … er … fuck. Well, anyhoo, my real problem here is that he runs but does nothing to build a movement around him. They are vanity runs — the Green Party hasn’t seen substantial growth. Part of the problem I have with them (and I’m serious here) is they need a rebranding. The green party? Ugh. Pinko will explore this later, but Ralph running is unsafe at any speed.
** Al Gore where are you? With John Edwards out (he actually had the best policies on global warming) can’t you endorse Obama now? A weekend announcement in California (where they love you for the global warming-ness and such) would be huge. A difference maker. Al! The earth is in the balance.
** Stephen Colbert made me feel better.
About The Author - Ben Wyskida is a writer, activist, conscientious hedonist and political communications strategist living in Brooklyn. - Visit Ben's site.
The Clinton vs. Obama SOTU thing is a non-story. They apparently made out in the hallway before entering the room. Also, just before they snapped that picture, Obama was giving Hillary an Air-five.