Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

Fool’s Gold hits theaters this Friday delivering the sort of predictable hijinks you’ve come to know and love from Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson. Both are impeccably cast as treasure-hunting beach bums who, with the help of a bitter old millionaire, discover the most precious find of all—love. Oops was that some sort of spoiler? Think of Fool’s Gold as well-awaited sequel to How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days-–only with more Overboard and even more Ducktales.

It seems Matthew prepared for his role by spending the last four years wrinkling up his ever-growing forehead with UV rays. In fact, I think I saw some pictures of him with Lance Armstrong doing one-armed push-ups naked on the beach while crafting Corona bottles into bongs. But who am I to gossip?

Now to the real story: Malcolm-Jamal Warner is fat. And he has a terrible Jamaican accent. Fool’s Gold opens with Theo Huxtable’s thick, hairy, beer-belly plopped across a tiny beach chair. Why? It’s an image that will have you rethinking your movie popcorn. And your choice of film. Is the theater floor too sticky for some mid-movie sit-ups?

Unfortunately, Theo’s blubber gut wasn’t used in the movie promo pictures so I don’t have much to share with you. However, a quick image search of “Malcolm-Jamal” and “gut” did lead me to another more disturbing discovery: Malcolm-Jamal has a band. Called Miles Long. And (it gets worse) he describes it as urban jazz/funk, “Because we do approach you like jazz, but definitely hit you with the funk.”

So basically, don’t see Fool’s Gold and do not listen to Miles Long. But if you are tempted you can check it out here. Note: These abs are no longer available

About The Author - Emily Valentine, when not stalking Brandon Walsh to the ends of the Earth (you will be mine!), is a talented sexuality educator and scholar in Philadelphia. - Visit Emily's site.