Despite what our government might say, waterboarding is torture. Sure, immobilizing a person on their back, with the head inclined downward, and pouring water over their face and into the breathing passages might sound like no big deal, but nope. It's torture. Here at pinko, we strongly believe that no one deserve to be tortured. Well, almost no one. We found ten people who we think could use a little simulated drowning. #10: Zac Efron This "High School Musical" star hasn't done anything to get on our bad side. It's just that the idea of stripping him down and pouring water all over his rippling young body has it's appeal for certain members of our editorial staff. This ones for you, Ben!

 

#9: Mike Huckabee How the mighty have fallen. This bible-thumping, Confederate flag loving, science-denier was once our choice for the Republicans in November. The only problem is, he was supposed to wait to implode until after he got the nomination! For that, he gets boarded.

 

#8: Randy Jackson You know what? I like you dude. You've got a cool voice. But playing with both Journey and Kiss kind of saps your street cred. So, if you'd do us the favor of not calling us dogg, we'd appreciate it. Dude is fine. Just not dogg. It sounds wrong coming out of your mouth.

 

#7: Wolf Blitzer CNN may be the most trusted name in teams, or the greatest politics in news or whatever, but constantly reminding us of it is just tacky. Also that name is totally fake. Wolf Blitzer? Thats like saying your name is Falcon Dragonlance or Buzz Lightyear! We don't buy it. He's ruined every debate he's moderated.

 

#6 Karl Rove You might expect to see the former Bush operative further down the list, but good old turd blossom doesn't draw as many flies as he used to. These days he mostly just publishes racist bullshit disguised as political insight in the Wall Street Journal and gives mediocre commentary on Fox News (or, as Talking Points Memo described it, he got an "interdepartmental transfer" from the Bush White House). Still, we'd love to give him the full gitmo treatment, just for old times sake.

 

#5 Former Exxon Chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond Maybe Huckabee has a point. No evolutionary system would allow anything as ugly as Lee Raymond to survive, let alone thrive. Speaking of thriving, Lee's old employer, Exxon Mobil Corp. posted a record breaking $40.6-billion in profits last year. With that kind of money, maybe they can help pay to have that ugly stick removed from Lee's anus.

 

#4 Mark Penn We're a little hard on Hillary sometimes. But frankly much of our animus is reserved for Penn, her lead pollster and strategist. Penn has two jobs: (1) Helping Hillary cry win. (2) CEO of global PR Giant Burson-Marsteller. "B-M" (you do the math there) has done some great work of late, advising everyone from sub-prime mortgage lenders and union-busting trade associations to the "Shadow Army" Blackwater USA and the toy company that made those controversial "aqua dots." (The controversy was that when you put them in water ... when you put Aqua Dots in water ... they release the date rape drug. I'd need a PR Giant too.) I guess B-M lost the Hitler and Pinochet accounts to Ogilvy or something, because it couldn't get much worse. Anyway, for Penn's work (which has been done concurrent to his role on the campaign, at times directly contradicting her stated policies) we'd like to see him waterboarded, maybe with some of that special aqua-dot water.

 

#3 Boston Red Sox Pitcher Curt Schilling Curt Schilling plays teh baseball, which Pinko really likes. Today it came out that Schilling is injured; while that's good news for the rest of the American League, it's bad news for America. Why? Because Schilling spends loads of free time ... shilling for war-mongering presumptive GOP candidate John McCaingerous. McCain, he said, is ready to lead on "the war in the Middle East," if by "lead" he means continue the war indefinitely. For those keeping count at home, 64 soldiers from Massachusetts have died in the war so far. The cost to the state's taxpayers: $12.7 billion dollars. That's a lot of popcorn at Fenway Park. Maybe it's unfair to single out one random McCain supporter, but the conflation of sports and patriotism always troubles Pinko. A little waterboarding makes a lot of sense for Schilling, given the dramatic cost of the war McCaingerous is determined to "win" even as it burdens the working class families of Boston who cheer for Schilling every fifth day. Also that whole "bloody sock" thing was totes gross in the '04 series.

 

#2 Michael Mukasey Mukasey is the new Attorney General of the United States. He has this little problem because when he's asked under oath about waterboarding and whether it's torture he keeps talking around it, because technically if he admitted that yes, it is torture, he'd be bound by the law (as America's top cop) to prosecute whoever authorized the torture. Since that's totes George Bush, then he'd have to prosecute the President and yada yada big mess. If he's taking the fall anyway, he may as well strap on a wetsuit and hop on the Pinko waterboarding express! Which brings us to...

 

#1 George W. Bush Oh, come on George. You know you want to. It'll be just like Skull and Bones all over again. We'll even let Laura hold the bucket. That's probably best anyway since it may be a felony to threaten to torture a sitting president. But wait! waterboarding isn't torture! I'm so confused!!

 

So Pinko readers, who would you like to see waterboarded? Or, more importantly, WWJD? (Who Would Jesus WaterboarD? HA!) We'd love to know who you think is worthy of accidental death from drowning... or suffering a stress induced heart attack... or damage to the lungs from inhalation of water. Hmmm... Actually, when we think about it maybe waterboarding isn't so funny after all. According to some experts, victims are still traumatized years later and can't even take showers. Just going outside when it rains can bring about the overwhelming fear of immanent death. But I wouldn't be too worried about it. Our government says it isn't torture. And if you don't believe the government, then you must be a terrorist and should therefore be tortured waterboarded. We'll look for you on next year's list!