Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

No, the president hasn’t been assassinated. Nobody has landed on a virgin celestial body. Ed Sullivan’s cameras are not doing everything they can to avoid Elvis Presley’s hips.

So what IS causing that creaking sound of the country coming to a sudden and complete stop? Why, it’s the locking of Starbucks doors across the country. That’s right — for three hours today, you will not be able to drink fresh, delicious, Starbucks coffee.

The first word says it all: WARNING.

Since when does a nation need to be warned about this? What is CNN afraid will happen if you don’t know this? That you won’t be able to find the nearest Peet’s?

The rush to panic at things as small as a three-hour gap in the Starbucks supply can mean only one thing: the terrorists have finally won.

Sure, it’s nice to see young, hip words like “barista” finally appearing in CNN.com headlines where they belong. But is that enough to erase the bitter taste of terrorist victory from our mouths?

Maybe.

If so, that means our next president will have a much easier time of it. It will free him (or, if michigan and florida count, her) up to look into why news outlets care more about a three-hour coffee inconvenience than that another 600 people just lost service-industry jobs.

[Editors note: That is the original Starbucks logo which totally had boobs omg.]

About The Author - ying-sun ho is the best rock musician you've never heard of. he lives in san francisco, escaping his commercial failure in music by achieving "success" as a political activist and grassroots leader. he also likes to drink and insult ben wyskida - Visit Ying-sun's site.