Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

In China, pandas are watching panda porn to try and get revved up to make babies:

Clearly, we now know that pandas are actually human male teenagers. The evidence:

1. Pandas are loners, and usually only bang during a three day mating season (homecoming weekend) so breeders are facilitating familiarization exercises to acquaint them with the opposite sex (also known as getting in a hot tub and playing truth or dare). In addition, males are taunted with apples to strengthen their lovemaking muscles, much as cheerleaders ran laps around the football field as the team did squats.

2. In Northern Thailand, a panda was put on a low-carb diet when breeders became concerned his lady would think he was too fat to mate. What fat guy got laid in high school?

3. When pandas are sexually interested, they exhibit the same behavior as when they have anxiety. Teenage boys = pandas.

4. Unexperienced pandas get a live how-to from vetarens when they seem unsure of where goes what and what to do when it gets there. “We arrange lovemaking between two excellent pandas in front of inexperienced pandas which have never had sex. It does work,”said an official at the Chengdu Panda Breeding and Research Centre. When I was 15, Anthony Ferrari brought over Hot N’ Heavy 5 to my house and said “Wanna do it?”

5. When pandas FINALLY get laid, it gets serious news coverage. Bobby Rossi, the football team water-boy bragged at practice that he and his girlfriend shared an intimate moment that involved penis, vagina and peanut butter-it was on the morning announcements.

Finally: Pandas are one of the most endangered animals on the planet; and these teenagers in Tennessee are stepping up to help.

About The Author - Dinelle is an import to New York from the more green, but less hedonistic city of San Francisco. She recently dropped her delusions of "freelance writing" right out of college and got an internship at The Nation. Where she does stuff for them for free (almost). She wants to save the world, but also loves expensive puppies and can't help but feel the two can't be reconciled. - Visit Dinelle's site.