Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

When I used to live in Philly I frequented Woody’s, the biggest and most known of Philly’s gay bars. One thing to know about Philly: they don’t fuck around. Unlike some of the more manicured gay haunts of New York and San Francisco, Woody’s was unabashedly trashy. Wednesday nights were “chicken night,” in honor of the 18-21’s allowed in for the evening (known as “chickens” for a variety of reasons, all of which underscore the fact that gay life ain’t always pretty) and video screens interspersed porn with Cher concert videos. It was at Woody’s where I downed $3 kamikazes and coined the phrase “desperation gay pop” while trying to comprehend the lyrics to I Turn to You, the one and only breakout hit for Mel C aka Sporty Spice. (Example: “You turn me around when I’m upside down.” That’s my favorite line from the song, because technically you’re still upside down; you’re just facing the other direction.)

Woody’s is where Nizah Morris, the world’s most amazing trans drag queen, would flash the crowd and do an immaculate number to “Stranger in My House” (Lyrics: “Pop quiz … Tell me where we first kissed …Tell me where my spot is.” Oh Whitney!) until she was tragically killed in 2002, in a likely hate crime involving the Philly police that has gone unsolved for 6 years .

As a sure sign that the race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination has long passed farce and made a sharp right turn towards madness, Chelsea Clinton stopped by Woody’s last week, treading on the same hallowed ground where I once caught my ex in a bathroom stall with a creepy bald guy. Chelsea, perhaps no stranger to $3 kamizakes and Mel C herself, was a hit:

“We love your highlights!” a man yelled from the crowd, referring to Chelsea’s tresses. “Wow,” she said, temporarily bumped off message, “that’s something I never heard before.”

There is a longer piece in here that I don’t have time for today: gay community fandom for Hillary. I’m not sure I’m supposed to say this, but experience tells me that gay people sort of expect to be cheated on, relish the role of survivor, and have added Hillary to the pantheon of tough women we love for overcoming adversity. While it’s hard to imagine Hillary giving Bill the same pop quiz Whitney gave Bobby, it’s not out the question, and at Woody’s on chicken night I think people kind of like that. Putting aside her 35 years of experience which include counseling Bill to implement Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (which she wisely now rejects) and to sign the Defense of Marriage Act (which she wants partially repealed) there is a real gay men’s loyalty to Hillary.

In fairness Hillary and Barack have taken pretty similar gay positions (… tsk tsk …) and I don’t see Malia and Sasha out trolling for votes at a gay bar. They’re only 9 and 6, respectively, but this weekend Barack made the audacious point that he thinks they should be taught responsible and comprehensive sex education, so he may as well just send them to chicken night and have done with it.

The article didn’t say if Chelsea campaigned at any of Philly’s other gay bars. I recommend The Post, which is literally in a dirty back alley behind a dumpster near Rittenhouse Square. Woody’s is just two blocks from the Bike Stop, Philly’s bear & leather bar. There are chairs there in the basement where you sit and take your shoes off and people touch your feet. If Chelsea campaigns there, so help me god I’ll vote for her mother.

Ed note – As a prize for reading this entire post, I’ll leave you with this:

About The Author - Ben Wyskida is a writer, activist, conscientious hedonist and political communications strategist living in Brooklyn. - Visit Ben's site.