It's only been two years, but now, finally, the political season is finally really getting started! The Olympics are over. School is back in session. People are beginning to pay attention. The Democrats have chosen Joe Biden as their VP. (The Republicans have chosen Mitt Romney as their VP, but they're going to hold off until August 29th to tell us so they can dominate the Labor Day Weekend news cycle when everyone will be watching the news and totally not barbecuing or at the beach or whatever. The McCain team is scary. They are SO GOOD!) Oh, and Ben is in Denver trying to convince someone to let him be a super delegate by bribing them with drink tickets and free copies of The Nation from 1979. This can all only mean one thing. It's time to Gay Marry the things we love and Abort the things we don't while we still can and before John McCain stocks the Supreme Court with craziness and has us all put in camps. On to the list! Gay Marry It Joe Biden. Seriously! This guy just keeps getting better. He was a single father and a Junior Senator at the age of 30. He authored the landmark Violence Against Women Act. He commutes via Amtrak. On top of all that he once powerbombed Slobodan Milošević through a flaming table during a no-holds-barred cage match. I swear that if anyone had said the things that Obama did on Saturday way back in the primaries Biden would have done a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe even better than Kucinich! I'm just glad this dude is on our side. He kinda scares me. (Sarcastically) Gay Marry It John McCain's VP prospects. I love these guys! The odds-on-favorite for the number two spot, Mitt Romney, comes saddled with so many bruising attacks against McCain from the primaries that Obama couldn't possibly make enough attack ads to showcase them all. My favorite? Romney once said that when John McCain voted against the Bush tax cuts (that he now supports) he was "failing Reagan 101". Now, one could assume that they didn't even teach Reagan 101 at Annapolis in the 1840s, but to a Republican "failing Reagan 101" is a pretty harsh criticism, no?. Also, what would they teach in Reagan 101? I mean, besides how to memorize lines and keep from being upstaged by your chimpanzee co-star... Gay Marry It Windmills! We love them, Bloomberg loves them. The Dutch love them. It's time we got serious about investing in wind bower. Also, America has been called "The Saudi Arabia of Wind" so if we start building wind turbines now, we may see the ban on women drivers in the U.S. lifted by the end of the century! Abort It Clean Coal. Seriously. That doesn't even make sense! Have you ever held a piece of coal in your hand? Filthy stuff! You show me a coal miner going to work in a pair of white linen pants and then maybe I'll listen. Until then I'm sticking with wind power. Gay Marry It Madonna (again)! I know, I know... She is starting to be a bit of a fixture on this list. But the woman is older than dirt, she has 500 adopted children and she still somehow looks hotter than hell in a top hat and a unitard. She also now fully complies with my rule of only supporting musical acts that I agree with politically.

Amid a four-act show at Cardiff's packed Millennium Stadium, a video interlude carried images of destruction, global warming, Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe's authoritarian President Robert Mugabe _ and U.S. Senator John McCain. Another sequence, shown later, pictured slain Beatle John Lennon, followed by climate activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and finally McCain's Democratic rival Barack Obama.

Remind me to go online later and pick up case of Kabbalah Water! Abort It Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their new son Zuma Nesta Rock. They totally stole my baby name! I was going to name my second child Zuma Nesta Hussein Zathura Rock McLaughlin! Now I'll have to think of something even cooler. How about Pilot inspektor? What do you mean it's taken? How the hell is Pilot inspektor taken?! Gay Marry It McCain responding to everything by saying "I was a POW!" No. Seriously. Please keep doing this! In the last few weeks John McCain has played the POW card to justify everything from his recent house gaffe to his desire for his wife to get naked and flash a bunch of drunk bikers. Finally the media is starting to take notice. Not only does doing this cheapen his service and the service of every other POW, but If McCain continues to play the POW card as a trump card it is going to wear out all of it's value. That's good news for Obama. Abort It Owning seven (or more) houses. Seriously, McCain, I know you're not a financial whizkid, but you really don't want to have all your money tied up in real estate in this kind of market. Take it from me. Renting is SO much better. You get to keep your money somewhere safer (like maybe in a shoe box, in the fireplace, under a pile of oily rags...) AND if something breaks you're not on the hook to fix it. That's the super's job! Gay Marry It Penthouse magazine selling online dating to Christian conservatives. Talk about diversifying! Their site, BigChurch.com boasts "half a million Christian members worldwide" and offers the hop of finding "a respectable man". I'm guessing a man who doesn't subscribe to Penthouse? Abort It Penthouse selling Penthouse Magazine. Pay money? For pornography?! Have these people ever heard of the internet? This has go to be the stupidest idea since clean coal! Ideas for next week? Anything good we missed this week? Just Email us! Or drop ideas in the comments.