General McClellan Responds.
Dear Governor Palin,
George B. McClellan here. I am writing you urgently about last evening’s goddamned debate, where you cited my comments on Afghanistan as a defense for Senator McCain’s proposed “surge” in Afghanistan. The goddamned media is really all over you. They say you didn’t mean to refer to me. That I’ve been dead since 1885, and you clearly meant General David D. McKiernan. They say you don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t worry Palin, you stick to your guns. They said the same things about me after Antietam, goddamn sunken road. You’ve got a good future ahead of you.
The problem though, Palin, and I’ll be blunt, is that history has not remembered me kindly. They say that I couldn’t put away Robert E. Lee. They say I was a coward. They say I was elected Governor of New Jersey and didn’t even know it. I’m pretty fucked.
Accordingly I respectfully ask that you refrain from quoting me or implying my support in this campaign. People just don’t like you guys. It won’t do. Let me clear a few things up:
1. I know John McCain. John and I fought side by side in Mexico. We threw back a bourbon and loved some whores in TJ. We had our fun. But that man doesn’t know how to win a war any more than I knew how to beat Robert E. Lee. What the hell is he talking about? Win wars? Back in Mexico if you got captured you’d chew off your goddamned leg and bleed to death, that’s what you’d do, not end up with lithographs of yourself in some box all over the goddamned internet. Win what war? Come on.
2. I learned something important in that Summer of 1862. You don’t dally. If there’s an enemy that attacked you, you goddamned well better go after them where they live and fast. I took my sweet time, Palin, just like McCain and that goddamned Bush have spent five years johnny-booting around in the Ottoman Empire. A lot of men died. I know. You two listen to that Karzai and that goddamned Muslim you’re running against.
3. Alaska is a backwater. Good Mary Molly and Joseph. Goddamned Andrew Johnson’s polar bear garden for $7.2 million dollars! Come on. Also you said “up there”
so many times last night I didn’t know if you were talking about heaven or Alaska, and you probably didn’t either.
Seriously Sarah, just leave me out of this. I fought hard and I loved those men of the Potomac. I know from strategies that work and strategies that keep you on a goddamned bloody lane years longer than you need to be. You’re on the wrong side of history here, just like me. You’re running against goddamned Abe Lincoln. You can’t win this and you shouldn’t.
Give John my best.
Sincerely and most respectfully,
General George B. McClellan
cc: Adm. Seward; First Dude; Gwen Ifill.
About The Author - Ben Wyskida is a writer, activist, conscientious hedonist and political communications strategist living in Brooklyn. - Visit Ben's site.
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[...] General McClellan Responds. by benwyskida, Oct. 03rd, 2008 in News and Opinion [...]
Now THAT’S funny!
Is it just me, or do Republicans bring up the civil war a little TOO much? At least he was in the Union army…
I like how they mentioned Andrew Jackson as a model — that was good. And the Civil War.
Was there a single question in that debate about urban policy/poverty? In ANY debate?
[...] Palin: George B. McClellan here. I am writing you urgently about last evening’s goddamned debate, where you cited my comments on Afghanistan as a defense for Senator McCain’s proposed “surge” in Afghanistan. The goddamned media is really all over you. They say you didn’t mean to refer to me. That I’ve been dead since 1885, and you clearly meant General David D. McKiernan. They say you don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t worry Palin, you stick to your guns. They said the same things about me after Antietam, goddamn sunken road. You’ve got a good future ahead of you. [...]
He made a hella good saddle though.
Holy shit! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Thank you for your goddamned wit!
you’re goddamned welcome.
I think the general was much abused. He was the greatest parade ground master of the entire war. He’d have that Grand Army of the Republic prancing around in sparkles and gloss all day long. It was Lincoln that done it, grousing to Faux Noise or somebody, “If the general isn’t going to use his army, I’d like to borrow it.”
You know how many were killed in action on that DC parade ground?
I rest my case of US Grant’s private store.
He was totally getting some mixed signals from Lincoln.
Nice, but: Muslim –> Mohammedan
[...] by MEC on October 4, 2008 General McClellan responds to Sarah [...]
Thanks for the laugh. This is priceless!
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