Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

Canvassing in swing areas is an essential part of a sucessful campaign. Every eight doors you knock on yields one vote for your candidate. At least that’s what the Obama campaign told me, so it must be true. When done properly and safely, canvassing can be a fun and rewarding experience. Some tips:

• Carry a flashlight, gloves, a hat extra pens, literature, mints or gum, and a google map of your turf and directions home. Observe proper clipboard grip. Clip goes on the RIGHT. (PinkoJenn’s actual clipboard at left. Is that Mickey Mouse registered on line 5?)

• You will encounter fake undecided voters who are actually registered Republicans. They’ll bait you into a discussion and then waste your time. End the discussion and move along. [Editors Note: Also consider a heated argument with them about ABORTION.]

• You will encounter fake undecided voters who are actually registered Assholes. They’ll bait you into a discussion and then at the end announce they are voting for Nader. End the discssion and move along. [Editors Note: Mention Florida, 2000?]

• You will encounter the two types of one-issue voters: people who love fetuses and people who love guns. I would have a special pitches prepared for this. I’d also have some anti-smear liturature ready to hand to the NRA people, so you can end the discussion and run away in a zig-zag pattern.

• If you encounter an actual undecided voter - CONGRATULATIONS! This is why you’re doing this in the first place. Get to work:

1) Ask them if there’s an issue that they’re especially concerned about.

2) Empathize with their concerns and present them some facts regarding that issue. Even if their issue is something ridiculous like stem cell research they will actually listen to your facts. If they try to debate your fact with flawed logic or try to deny it: STOP! Sorry, you’ve encountered a fake undecided voter. Move along.

3) If the person you’re talking to is a woman over 50, mention how you used to support Hillary Clinton.

4) Conclude with a brief personal story about why you are voting for Barak Obama. This story should take ONE minute to tell. Practice it before hand and time yourself. Here’s mine “Well, if you don’t mind me saying very briefly, I’m voting for Barack Obama because I was laid off in September and I’m worried about the economy. I’m also worried about health care. Because of a thyroid problem I have, I was denied from every private health insurance I applied to. Obama would eliminate pre-existing condition exclusions. And my Cobra payment is $400 a month - under McCain’s plan that would be taxed as income. That’s absurd! Anyways, thanks for your time. Here’s some literature.”

5) Make sure that personal story does not include details about how many abortions you’ve had, or fantasies about Obama telling Bush to “kiss his Black ass.”

• If people are rude and get you down, try to call upon your own sense or righteous indignation. You are doing one of the most important things you can do to help your candidate, even if it doesn’t feel like. Seriously. You’re helping make history, in more ways then you know.

• Even if you think you love dogs now, I must tell you the truth: dogs are not pets or

Oh no it

companions, but rather evil beasts put on this earth to harrass and destroy you. They are to be feared and avoided at all costs. Refusing to heed this advice will result in dire consquences. At right, PinkoJenn’s dire consequences.

About The Author - PinkoJenn is on the ground in Wisconsin reporting for Pinko on the Obama campaign and her experience as a volunteer - Visit Jenn's site.