Hello,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad here. I write to you today humbled by my not at all suspicious landslide re-election as the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

On Friday the great people of Iran voted to choose their leadership. Very early in the day it became clear that I had won reelection by an embarrassingly large margin. Nevertheless, people continued to come to the polls and vote. Presumably all of these people also voted for me. Such enthusiasm! I don’t like to talk about this because I don’t want to show off. All you need to know is that the people of Iran all voted, for me, and I won. There is really nothing else to say about that. Let’s not bring it up again.

This was a particularly humbling victory considering I faced strong opposition from former Prime Minister Mir-Hossein Mousavi Khameneh. In the end, however, the people realized that I was a better candidate and also that Mousavi is a sissy. Seriously. He’s a painter! If we had gay people in Iran he would totally be one. People are intuitive. They pick up on things like that. Nobody wants a sissy running thier country. Also, he is likely a criminal of some sort.

Mousavi was arrested just after my victory was announced and therefore has not made any public appearances since the election. My guess is it had something to do with soccer and traffic laws. Wow. Can you imagine the disgrace we all would have felt if he had won the election and then been arrested for some unknown, unverifiable reason? Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there. Well… Ok. that may be a poor choice of words. I’m just saying if Mousavi shows up somewhere riddled with bullets it likely had something to do with his apparent criminal activity and NOTHING to do with this not at all suspicious election.

I would now like to take the time to answer some of the tough questions pouring in from the Iranian state run media that I oversee.

• To answer your question, yes! I have lost some weight. Thank you for noticing.

• I too am impressed with the fullness of my beard! You are correct in noticing that it is not at all patchy!

• I agree that I in no way look like Wilmer Valderrama’s younger brother rolled around in elmers glue and then jumped in a bathtub filled with hair. I’m not sure what your question was, but you’re right on that point.

• I am 6′ 3″

• Who said that thing about Wilmer Valderrama? Was it Christiane Amanpour? Can we please imprison her avoid repeating rumors started by the bully foreign media?

In summation, I won, opposition, riddled with bullets, not at all suspicious, a bathtub filled with hair.

I look forward to serving the people of Iran for 100 years, or a third term, whichever comes second.

Sincerely,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

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Stirling is a writer and art director in New York City. He lives in Manhattan with his wife and daughter. The opinions expressed on this site are his own and do not necessarily represent those of his employer. He stresses that this last bit is very important. - Visit Stirling's site.