Pinko Magazine Hedonism + Activism

So you guys all remember Larry Craig? Closeted Gay Republican Senator, arrested for soliciting sex in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport, almost resigned, didn’t, now trying to rehabilitate his image. At this point he’s been convicted and everyone in America thinks he was trying to have it in that bathroom. Craig has been mocked, humiliated, laughed at, embarrassed, his family shamed and his job nearly lost. There isn’t much left.

Given that, it makes sense that he would want to improve his image. America loves a comeback, and maybe if done well a smartly-executed campaign could restore some standing to a man who served Idaho as one of its Senators. So Craig hired a lawyer. That lawyer filed a brief. That brief was an important first step to overturning Craig’s conviction. And what is the central argument of the brief — the brief that is intended to restore dignity and to help people forget that this Senator was part of a raunchy gay sex scandal? The size and shape of the crack i.e. the opening in between the stall door and the stall wall. The crack. Seriously. I know I’m being crass, but the entire argument here that he hired someone to go argue to restore his image in front of all of America was based on THE CRACK, and he just said it over and over. From the Times today:

Mr. Martin (Craig’s attorney) disagreed with Judge Hudson’s description of the complaint. “We don’t know how long the crack is, how big the crack is,” Mr. Martin said. “We don’t know,” he said, if Senator Craig simply glanced at the crack twice “or if it was continuous staring.”

Are you kidding me? It baffles the mind. This man is accused of being a gay, ridiculed all over the world (”wide stance” anyone?) and your defense is based on how long and wide the crack is? Continuous staring? I do PR and I get paid shit. What does Mr. Martin get paid to conjure up the one image — a crouching, jaw-clenching, clearly bored and disturbed gay traveler bending over in his airport bathroom stall — that hadn’t even entered the picture?

How long the crack is. It’s just too much.

[Editors Note: Kudos to those zany NYT writers for their headline. "Senator Seeks Withdrawal of Guilty Plea in Sex Sting." Mmmm hmmm. Genius.]

Some people know that Raffaello Follieri as an Italian con-man who defrauded investors by pretending to be a real estate agent form the Vatican or some shit. Others know him as the dude who got a serious blow j from made out with then girlfriend Anne “Princess Diaries” Hathaway on his yacht.

Well, in a new photo just released by The Nation, Millionaire playboy and International celebutant® John McCain can be seen boarding Raffaello Follieri’s sex yacht in the racistly named country of Montenegro back in 2006.

Apparently Follieri, who just recently pleaded guilty in Manhattan to wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy, was holding a little Love Boat themed birthday party for McCain’s 70th. The only people in the photo who have been identified so far are Follieri, Hathaway and McCain. Some are speculating that the other man pictured may be Rick Davis. Or maybe it’s Gavin MacLeod?

No news yet as to what they may have talked about. Or what the did on the boat…

According to an intelligence report being prepared for the next president, US dominance will decline in “political, economic and arguably, cultural arenas.” (Did we ever have dominance in cultural areas?) This is assuming, of course, the world isn’t swallowed by a black hole, destroyed by nuclear warfare in the Middle East, or reclaimed by God.

Isn’t this a time for a real hero to be in the White House…one with a sexy action figure to prove it?

So I voted in my local primary yesterday, thanks to a lot of pushy canvasers lambasting me while I was walking my dog. None of them seemed to know anything about the candiates dog related policies, but they complimented Baxter’s unique coloring, and asked me if I was going to vote. I lied and said yes, then, feeling guilty about the lie, wandered over to the polling place to cast a ballot. I had no idea about either of the candidates for state senate and didn’t really care to rush home for some internet research. So, taking democracy very seriously, I based my decision on who had cuter canvasers. Martin Connor, 30 year incumbent in the New York State Senate sent a rather obese and weating gentleman to hand out fliers, while Daniel Squadron, wealthy young upstart, sent youthful men and women who smelled faintly of Gaultier. Sold. I cast my vote for Squadron, he won, and now I write my first piece of political punditry of the season (watch out Matthews): The winner of this election and all future elections will be the one who can turn out the most attractive campaign volunteers.

I urge you all to prove or disprove me on this by sending photos along with primary results. Perhaps we’ll make a graph.

[Editors Note: There was a local primary yesterday? Yikes.] 

Yesterday, at a campaign event in Virginia, Barack Obama employed an old southern colloquialism to describe Senator McCain’s assertion that he is now the candidate of change. Here is what Obama said:

“John McCain says he’s about change too, and so I guess his whole angle is, ‘Watch out George Bush – except for economic policy, health care policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy and Karl Rove-style politics – we’re really gonna shake things up in Washington.’

That’s not change. That’s just calling something the same thing something different. You know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. You know you can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change, it’s still going to stink after eight years. We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”

The McCain camp only heard the words “Lipstick” and “Pig” and thought “Sarah Palin!”… Nice.

The campaign quickly put out a statement decrying Obama’s ’sexist’ smear. They even did one of those little iMovie projects they call “campaign ads” and gave it to the media so they can dutifully play it non-stop between now and November.

And what about the New York Post headline? “Lipstick Bungle“. I just love the New York Post!!

Of course Barack Obama wasn’t talking about Sarah Palin. He was using an old cliche, one McCain frequently uses himself, to talk about the other candidate’s platform. To that end I actually think the fish line was better.

But the part that really kills me is that Obama would have been perfectly justified in using this common idiom in reference to Sarah Palin. Only she isn’t the pig. She is the lipstick.

The oddly familiar Republican platform is the pig.

Oink.

Boy it sure would be nice if she knew someone in some position of authority somewhere who could maybe do something about this:

Anyone know anybody who works at the State Department?

According to the LA Times, we’ve made Iraqis fat. And yes, the headline is actually “Another Iraqi Casualty of War: Their Waistlines.”

For Said, the next step is learning to eat tiny portions totaling about 2,500 calories a day, a fraction of what he used to consume. That means giving up the delicious mounds of chicken, beef, sheep’s head and fish, along with honey-soaked sweets like baklava, that his mother used to make for him.

I have to level with you here. While we pride ourselves on being a “lifestyle magazine”, between now and November we will most likely look a hell of a lot like a political blog. I wish I could change that. I really do. But the fact is we have way too much crap to talk about and very little time left to do so. We just aren’t going to have much of an opportunity to get to all the good stuff.

But I also hear your pain. People are sick of Sarah Palin. Its only been a few days but I am already getting notes from people who are fed up. Her presence on the national stage is like nails on a chalkboard for many, many people. I agree! I’m just trying to do everything I can to keep us all from having to hear that ghastly sound for the next 4-16 years.

But for the moment, I offer a reprieve. Here are 5 things that have absolutely nothing to do with Sarah Palin (or politics or saving the world or being a better person). Enjoy it while it lasts… (more…)

Ingredients

4 lb Ripened moose
Salt and pepper
1/8 ts Cloves
1/2 c Water
1 Onion, sliced
1 c Milk
4 Strips salt pork
1/8 ts Cinnamon
2/3 c Claret or weak vinegar
1/2 Bay leaf
1 c Claret or cranberry juice

Trim off any musty parts of moose and lard with salt pork. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, cinnamon and cloves. Marinate in claret or vinegar for 2 to 3 days in cold place. Drain, place in baking pan, add water, cover and cook in slow oven (300 degrees) about 1 hour. Add bay leaf, onion and claret or cranberry juice, cover and cook until tender, about 1 hour longer. Remove meat and add milk to drippings. Heat to boiling and serve with moose. Serves 6 to 8.